Lyndsey Learning it’s important to take a step back and look at our words and choices.
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Introduction
On todays Moments From a Tired Mom, I need to talk about learning to take a step back and look at ourselves. As mothers, we spend so much time worrying about the lessons that we teach our children, keeping track of the household, and making sure we form our children into good people. But, who, in this time, is keeping us in check? Who is making sure that we are being good people?
Being a mom is hard. If there is one thing I have learned so far (and I still have a long ways to go), it’s that things don’t get easier with kids. Parenting is hard, it’s all hard, but it’s also so rewarding. As ages change and children grow, it just gets hard in different ways than it was before. When times are hard, frustration sits in, or the overwhelm is suffocating you, who is making sure that you are being the best version of yourself?
I’d like to talk about a big step back that I had to take recently, and what caused it.
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What Caused Me To Take a Step Back and Look at Myself
Very likely you watch what you say around your kids, but have you considered how the “unharmful” words have influence as well? I hadn’t really thought about how simple things like “I’m busy right now”, “could you please get out of the way” or “no more questions right now”, might have a lasting effect.
As a mom, in the moment, I know exactly how it goes! You have 50 other things on your mind. You are trying to cook dinner, clean, or complete tasks. I’m well aware of the daily struggle. Trying to spend time with your kids while still completing all the expected obligations.
What Happened
A few weeks ago my 6 year old son had football practice and I hadn’t made dinner before hand. The house was a mess, the kitchen was messier. We were headed to get takeout after practice, and my son was super inquisitive as usual. I was thinking about the house, cleaning, dinner, finances, practice not going super well, and he was asking so many questions! They were not easy questions, his questions are never simple to answer. He is so curious, and I love that about him, but sometimes I go into mental overload!
I was trying to keep my cool, and I took a deep breath, letting out a long sigh. My son went quiet for a minute, and then he said “I’m sorry mom”. I asked him what he was sorry for and his response was heartbreaking. He said:
“I’m sorry I am asking so many questions. I won’t ask so many questions anymore. I will stay out of your way when you are cooking. I will clean up my messes. I won’t bother you when you are busy and I will stop frustrating you. I won’t bug you when you are working, and I will help out more around the house.”
While these might be words that so many parents would love to hear, it doesn’t sit quite right when you hear them. He wasn’t whining or complaining when he said these things, it was actually very ‘matter of fact’. That was the moment I realized, I am only expressing my frustrations!
My Response
I quickly responded to him and asked him if that’s all he thinks he does? Do you think you are just a bother? He said, “well yeah, I am always in the way and making things hard for you”. I replied:
“Buddy, you don’t just make things hard. Everything I am thinking about can get a little overwhelming sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you are making things hard. You are so wonderful to have around. You make mine and dad’s day brighter. You remind us to be silly, you make us laugh, you bring joy to our lives every day. You are helpful, and smart and curious and I love to see the creative things you make. You are helpful to your sister and you are always thinking of everyone else. You have the biggest heart and you care about everyone. You make our lives special and we love you so much.”
He didn’t say anything after I finished talking, so I looked in my rear view mirror to see what he was doing back there. He was crying! He had started crying because I forget to tell him these things.
He started crying because I fell into the trap of only expressing my frustrations, and not the positives.
Then, he saw me looking at him in the mirror, he wiped his tears, and said “I love you mom, you are the best mom ever!”.
What I Learned
This moment, this heartbreaking, loving, warm moment is what made me realize that I needed to take a step back and look at myself. Often I talk about how people are so quick to say something negative about a person, company or experience, but no one takes the time to share their positive experiences. I was doing this same thing to my son, and I didn’t even realize it!
By telling him “I’m busy right now”, “could you get out of the way”, “please stop with the questions”, and anything else that seemed so innocent when trying to be nice about it, was actually putting such negative views in his head. A simple sentence that seemed so modest had such an impact on his confidence and self-worth.
Never, would I intentionally say something to hurt my kid. The worst part, is that I was doing this without even realizing it.
I have had to re-think my sentences, and the way I approach situations. I now make sure to compliment his achievements, and point out things he does that make me happy, laugh, or bring me joy. One statement that had a major impact on my son was:
I asked, “Do I love you more when you are being good, or being bad?”.
He, of course, answered, “when I am being good”.
I replied, “no, I love you the same either way”.
You could see his eyes light up! He had just done something that got himself into trouble, but the realization that I still loved him just as much made his heart light up! I make sure to repeat this sporadically at different times. Just in a normal situation, when he has done something naughty, or when he has done something good.
Conclusion
I feel like I have done a lot of rambling, so I want to bring this all together for a main purpose. The words we use, and the way we approach situations have an impact on our children. This impact may not even be something noticeable, and you may not realize how it effects them. Sometimes it’s best to take a step back and look at ourselves. How do we react to situations, what words do we use, is there something I could do better?
As moms, most days are filled with tasks, schedules, to-do’s and an overwhelming amount of responsibilities. We are not perfect, and we don’t need to be, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to look at our responses from a different perspective.
Make sure to take the couple of minutes out of your day to tell your children how they positively influence your life, even if it’s as simple as “it made me happy that you picked up your toy” or “it brings me joy to see you working so hard”. It might feel silly at first, but it won’t feel silly for long when you see your kids face light up!
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